A girl, while in her parents' house, is duty-bound
to satisfy them. However, once she is married, her role changes.
In her husband's house, a woman should give priority
to her husband's needs. Even when there are conflicting desires of her
husband and her parents, she should obey her husband, even at the expense
of the parents' dissatisfaction. Disobedience to one's husband may harm
one's marital relationship and vice-versa. Moreover, many mothers do not
enjoy a proper education and wisdom.
Some mothers have not yet realized that they should
leave their daughters to reach an understanding with their husbands of
their own. The married couple must be left to plan their own affairs and
if they encounter any difficulty, they should overcome it through their
Since the wives' mothers are unaware of this point,
then, in their own minds, they try to make their son-in-law act according
to their desires. They try, directly and indirectly, to interfere in their
family affairs. They use their young daughters, who are inexperienced and
not quite aware of their situations, in order to influence the sons-in-law.
The mothers constantly tell their daughters how to act, what to do, what
to say, and what not to say. The poor daughter, who regards her mother
as sympathetic and experienced, obeys her and commits herself to the mother's
There would not be any problems if the son-in-law
submits to the mother-in-law's desires: However ,if he shows resistance,
then rows begin to take shape. In the latter case the ignorant mother may
become so stubborn that it may lead to the destruction of her daughter's
family life. The ignorant mother, instead of encouraging her daughter to
devote herself to her husband, makes her oppose her husband. The mother
may tell her daughter:
"You have ruined your life. What an awful husband
! What good men were prepared to marry you! What a good life your cousin
has ! How lucky your sister is! What have they got that you haven't? Why
should you live like this? My poor daughter!"
The mother, whose words are regarded as sympathetic,
causes family rows and arguments between the daughter and her husband.
The daughter is placed in a situation to pick up rows with her husband.
The parents would also take sides with her and finally in order to win
the fight, they show willingness towards their daughter getting a divorce.
"A thirty-year old woman attacked her fifty-year old
mother for she had caused her divorce. This woman said: 'My mother talked
behind my husband so much that it caused many arguments between me and
him. Finally, I got divorced but soon regretted it. But it was too late,
because six hours after our divorce, my former husband was engaged to my
cousin. I was so frustrated that I decided to beat up my mother'."
"A thirty-nine year old man ran away from his wife
and mother-in-law and left a letter saying: 'Because of my wife's attitude
and because she was not prepared to go to Abadan with me, I decided to
leave this world. My wife and her mother are responsible for my death'.
Thus a man, who was fed up with his mother-in-law's interference, committed
"A man, who was fed up with his mother-in-law's interference,
threw her out of a taxi'."
Undoubtedly, daughters who obey mothers of this kind
and submit to their wills, would inflict an irreversible blow on themselves.
Therefore, any woman who cares for her family, should
not be influenced by her mother's will and should not regard them as one
hundred percent correct.
A wise and clever woman would always examine the suggestions
and sayings of her mother before implementing them in her family life.
She should implement them if they did not contradict or endanger her family
bonds. In this case, the daughter should submit to the will of her mother.
Otherwise, if the daughter reaches the conclusion that her mother is ignorant
and her suggestions lead to rows and arguments, then she can reject her
Anyway, there are two choices for the daughter:
(a) To go along with the desires of her mother in which case, family arguments would follow; or
(b) To ignore her mother, and comply with her husband's
Obviously, one would not choose the former because
if one did, then she would either have to live in a misery with her husband
or divorce him. If she continues to live with her husband, then she, along
with her husband, and the children, would suffer .In the case of divorce
she would probably have to go to live with her parents. In this case they
would not accept her as a member of the family and would try to get rid
of her. She would be degraded and humiliated before all the other members
of the family .It is also not easy to live alone. It will also not be easy
to marry again. How can one be sure that the next round will be any better
What about the children? What about the children of the next man? She might
end up so frustrated that she might kill herself. She may become so difficult
to live with that the next man she marries, may run away from her, or even
Once a woman ponders over the consequences of acting
upon the selfish and foolish desires of her mother or others, then she
should firmly decide to ignore all the talk as not to endanger her relationship
with her husband.
She could tell her mother:
"Now that I am married, it is better for me to try
to protect my marriage, and keep my husband satisfied. I would rather treat
him kindly, because he is my partner. He can make me happy and is able
to help me. He shares ail the ups and downs of life with me. He is my choice
and, if we have any difficulties, we will try to solve them ourselves.
We can plan our lives. Your interference may make a bad situation worse.
If you want us to have a good relationship with you, then do not interfere
in our lives, do not talk behind my husband, otherwise I will have to cut
off my relationship with you."
If your mother, as a result of your suggestion, stops
interfering, then you will not be disturbed. However, if she is not prepared
to take any notice of you r desires, it would be better for you to stop
seeing her. In this way you will be saved and you can live comfortably.
While, as a result of breaking away from you r parents,
you may lose some of your respect among you r family, you will have earned
many times over more respect from your husband.
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The best of your
women is one who gives birth to many children, is loving and chaste, who
does not submit to the will of her relatives but is obedient towards her
husband, adorns herself only for her husband and protects herself from
strangers, listens to her husband and obeys him, accedes to his wishes
in privacy and does not lose her modesty in any case."
"The Prophet (SA) then added: 'The worst of your women is she who obeys her relatives but does not submit to the wishes of her husband, is barren and vindictive, is not afraid of committing bad deeds, adorns herself in the absence of her husband, would not accede to the wishes of her husband in privacy, would not accept his excuses and would not forgive his mistakes',"
 Ittela'at, 9th Azar, 1348 Solar Hijri.
 Ibid, 12th Urdibahisht, 1349 Solar Hijri.
 Ibid, 13th Urdibahisht, 1349 Solar Hijri.
Bihar al-Anwar, vol 103, p 235.