The biggest obstacle in solving family rows are self-
centeredness and self-conceit. Unfortunately, many people are affected
by these characteristics. Such people lack a certain intelligence whereby
they only acknowledge their own virtues while dismissing those of others
and never own their failures. It is especially disastrous when this disorder
of character is accomplished by another. namely. picking up faults with
others. Sometimes both husband and wife suffer with the latter in which
case they may have a row day and night. Each criticizes the other while
tracing themselves totally from all faults.
Sometimes if only one side suffers from this defect
of fault-finding, they would pick up fault with the other and by so doing
liberate themselves completely from all criticisms.
Where both husband and wife suffer with this disorder,
it is particularly difficult to reconcile them, because they would not
he prepared to take anyone's advice. When each no listens to the radio
or watches a program on television pertaining to family affairs, they would
notice a particular flow of character which existed in their partner and
would throw it in their faces. But any talked about fault pertaining to
themselves would evade their attention. They would buy a book on family
morals and hand it over to their partner, without feeling any need for
themselves to read it.
Selfishness can become so sever that the affected
person may not even be aware of it. In such a situation, the relationship
between the couple becomes strained and even impossible to continue. Consequently,
either life would go on in the form of rows, distress. and unhappiness,
or may even lead to a divorce.
It is, therefore, recommended to all couples to abstain
from selfishness and self-conceit. A couple, who are troubled with this
situation, should find time to sit together and like two honest judges
talk about their problem(s). They should listen to each other without prejudice.
Each one should take a note of his own shortcomings without overlooking
even the smallest issue, and with the intention of correcting them. Then
they should both decide to correct themselves; but only if they feel the
necessity for deep understanding and where they both long to revive their
love and tranquility which once existed between them.
However, in the case of an inability to achieve reconciliation,
they should refer their problem(s) to an experienced, faithful, aware,
trustworthy, and benevolent person. If such a person is a friend or a relative,
it may be to their advantage because they can tell them everything and
await their verdict. They should listen to him and take note of his advice
given and intend to put it into practice.
Of course being faithful to the recommendations of
a judge is not easy, but a person, who is concerned about his family and
its stability, peace, and survival, should persevere and later enjoy its
Parents of such couples, if aware of their children's
family problem(s), should advise them to call on an experienced, faithful,
and good intentioned judge. Parents should not take sides with either husband
or wife. In this way, with the help of Allah their problems would be resolved.
Allah states in the Holy Qur'an:
"And if you fear a breach between the two, then
appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both
desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them; surely Allah
is Knowing, Aware." (4:35)