May the peace and mercy of Allāh (’aza wa jal) be upon you.
First and foremost I have to express my deep compassion, I can not imagine the struggle you are going through. Your message moved me deeply, and I pray God’s light will guide you through this dark period.
Having suicidal thoughts is very natural in a case like yours, and you should give yourself credit for reaching out. Your hope for the mercy of Allāh (’aza wa jal) shows your true nature, and I know that Allāh (’aza wa jal) will find a way for you. I pray that Allāh (’aza wa jal) will forgive you as He knows your position, but know that you are very important on this Earth. Allāh (’aza wa jal) created you with inner beauty, significance, worth, and qualities that are very important to this world. Allāh (’aza wa jal) created you with a purpose and even if you haven’t found it yet, be sure that it is out there, waiting for you to discover it. Your abilities, qualities and purpose would go to waste if you would take your own life. Do not think about the torment of hell, think about the beauty of Allāh (’aza wa jal). Think about the beautiful creation He created, think about the beautiful system that you are an important part of.
In the Dua Kumayl we pray: “O God have mercy upon him whose only capital is hope”, and we need to have hope despite the horrors of darkness that surround us. The future is so bright, aren’t you curious to find out what the future holds for you? Life is like a beautiful Persian rug, and we are ants trying to find our way from one point to another. To us, the beautiful patterns, the perfection of the threads, seem meaningless and confusing. We meet the same pattern over and over again, and fail to realize that the symmetric patterns of the rug are its foundation of beauty. The patterns are a part of the perfection, but to us, as ants, it seems like we are not moving forward. Allāh (’aza wa jal) looks at this rug we call life and He wants us to succeed. He wants us to understand that its temporary. He wants to give us an insight into the Divine knowledge.
I know that you are patient, and that you have hope. You are an inspirational example of how to handle struggles, especially longing to visit the imams (as). You are a role model, and Allāh (’aza wa jal) gave you a special insight, namely the power to recreate your own self-image. You CAN get married, because you are worth loving, and you have so much to give. There are women who will be able to look past that, and see you for you. The Prophet (S) said, ‘Good nature establishes love.’[Bihar al-Anwar, v. 77, p. 148, no. 71].
It is a life changing trauma that you went through, and in line with the physical damages, you might be facing mental challenges too. The doctors might not be able to help you with your physical challenges, but professionals can help you with your mental state. To help you change your narrative, and self image. To help you acknowledge your worth and ability to be loved by a wife. Please seek professional help, suicidal thoughts are very important warning signs that shouldn’t be missed, and you deserve so much more.
Regarding ziyarat, I hope and pray that you may find a way to get your expenses funded, and I hope that Allāh (’aza wa jal) will open a door for you when you least expect it. Until then know that distance isn’t an obstacle, you may do ziyarat to the imams (as) from your position, and they will serve as a mediator to Allāh (’aza wa jal). Miracles aren’t bounded to the graves of the imams (as). Longing for their presence, longing for their help is a means to reach Allāh (’aza wa jal) no matter wherever you are. That is a part of their blessings, and one of the reasons why they are gifts bestowed upon mankind. You have the Prophet (salla Llahu alayhi wa aleehi wa sallam) who’s constantly praying for you, you have Imām al-Mahdi (ajjallāhu farajahu) who wants you to strive and be a part of his nation, and you have Allāh (’aza wa jal), and no struggle, challenge, tear, hardship and discomfort espace His knowledge.
Allāh (’aza wa jal) promised us that with hardship comes ease (The Holy Qur’an 94:6), and I am looking forward to one day hear about the beautiful blessings Allāh (’aza wa jal) bestowed upon you, and the incredible ways He turned your life around.