Amina Inloes

Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the Islamic College in London and also the Managing Editor of the Journal of Shi'a Islamic Studies.

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I am sorry to hear that you are not entirely happy in your marriage.

May I suggest, this is the sort of thing that one should consider before marriage. While there are sometimes some surprises that cannot be known before marriage, weight is an obvious physical feature that is easier to determine. While cultures have various customs regarding marriage, Islamically, it is good to look at one's prospective spouse before marriage to be sure one is happy with him/her.

Anyway, as a wise person once said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." There will almost always be things that one does not like about one's spouse, some of them are obvious physical features and others are more subtle. It is good to appreciate the good and accept the rest. 

It is good to also look at it from the other side - it is an unpleasant surprise, after marriage, to learn that your spouse doesn't like one of your physical features - it can make you feel hurt or insecure. I am sure you would not like it if, after marriage, you realized that your wife did not like your height or some other physical feature. So it is good to be sensitive to that and to try to avoid making it something that causes difficulty in the relationship. 

Also, keep in mind that weight changes throughout life. Women often gain weight during pregnancy or at middle age anyway; just because someone is thinner at the time of marriage doesn't mean that is a permanent situation. (The same for men, of course!)

This is the same for any other feature. Many features or faculties change throughout life. For instance, someone with luxurious hair might go bald or get alopecia, someone with good eyesight may lose it, etc. So it is good to appreciate the blessings of health or beauty that we have, while we have them. The human being does not always stay the same physically. 

In cultures where thinness is valued for women, women who are overweight are often shamed and receive the message that their only value as a human being comes from being thin. Society usually treats it as a moral problem rather than as a medical problem (even though no one would shame an overweight horse or cat, rather they would ask what is wrong with them medically).

So, if you wish to discuss the subject of weight with your wife, may I suggest being extremely objective and polite about it; let her know that you love her and that your love of her (or indeed the survival of the marriage) does not depend on her weight, but it is simply an aesthetic preference. 

If you have access to good medical care, and if she is genuinely overweight (as opposed to just not being as thin as you would like), you could encourage her to visit a doctor to make sure there is no medical problem which is treatable (such as hypothyroidism or a hormonal imbalance) which is making her gain extra weight. (If she hasn't done so already). Of course, this should be done with tact! Most people would not appreciate this "suggestion" if it is done in a condescending or critical manner; rather, it should be given with concern and love. 

Also, you can always do du'a for yourself to be happy with your wife. Contentment is the best riches!

Inshallah you will both get through this and have many happy years to come!

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

It is good to be a scholar, and it is good to be a doctor. Society needs people do to all the different jobs, or else it wouldn't function. Ideally, it is good for you to do the job that you are most talented at and most committed to.

It is narrated that the Prophet (S) said: ‘Knowledge is of two categories:
knowledge of religions and knowledge of the physical body.’ So this narration celebrates and values both kinds of knowledge (religious and medical).

(Of course there are other important jobs and fields of study as well!)

As you know, there are many narrations from the Prophet (S) and Ahl al-Bayt (A) about various medical ailments, so it was clearly a subject that was important to them. So inshallah you are also following in their footsteps by being a doctor. 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

Sorry to hear that - it can be difficult to find a good spouse, and a family is blessed when someone suitable wishes to marry their child; not everyone has the opportunity to marry a compatible spouse. 

In addition to the advice already given, du'a is also good.

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answer updated 1 year ago

Qur'an 2:7 says: "Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing, and there is a covering over their eyes"

This refers to the loss of the ability to perceive the truth, especially about matters of the divine, truth, or right and wrong. (It does not refer to physical seeing and hearing, but rather seeing and hearing as metaphorical faculties for understanding. Similarly, the heart here is understood as a spiritual organ which perceives the truth.)

Although the verse attributes the sealing of the heart and ears to Allah, it is generally understood to mean that human beings bring this upon themselves through repeated transgression and obduracy against the truth, or denying the truth for personal gain. For instance, in the time of the Prophet (S), some of his enemies were trying to kill him or torturing the Muslims. Over time, this eats away at the capability of the heart (or other faculties) to perceive the truth, until it becomes blocked.

The verse does not specify who is covering their eyes, only that they are covered, and this suggests that they themselves are drawing blinders over their ability to perceive. (In the time of the Prophet (S), some people did this directly - for instance, plugging their ears when around the Prophet (S); today, some people do this by intentionally only going to media websites which reflect their views and ideologies and refusing to consider that they could be wrong.)

Some people who hold there is a reality to deeds in the unseen world would say that the performance of certain transgressions leaves an impact on the spiritual heart - that is to say, people plug up their hearts (ears, etc) through wrong deeds, just like one might plug up a drain over a long time through running detritus through it and not cleaning it out (through repentance and good acts). 

So it is a matter of cause and effect, or action and reaction, based on our own free will. 

However, Allah is the ultimate doer of all acts and all chains of cause and effect ultimately go back to Allah since Allah is the ultimate power in the universe. Furthermore, all things happen with Allah's permission and within the framework of what the divine decree allows, as well as the physical and spiritual laws of the universe. So for these reasons, the sealing is attributed to Allah. 

As for whether Allah intends for all of us to go to heaven... as one of the few creatures around us with free will, heaven and hell are possibilities for all of us, although we can be certain of Allah's justice, and hope for Allah's mercy and the intercession of the Prophet (S) and awliya (A).

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

If there are physical items involved (talismans, or that sort of thing) in your home, you can destroy them.

However, in general, unlike with Amazon, there are no returns in the department of the unseen - it is easier to do than to undo.

If whatever the person did had some effect, and wasn't just fakery, sometimes you can just wait it out as these things can wear down over time. 

If you or he are suffering ill effects (for instance, he is not thinking clearly, it has backfired and caused conflict because he is now hyper-dependent, or you have a haunted house now), you could go to someone who is honest, trustworthy, and capable who does ruqya or who can advise you on how to do it on yourselves to help remove the ill effects.

However, that might be awkward to explain to your husband and cause more problems - most people are enraged if they find out someone attempted to do magic on them.

If it is just regret, but you don't have any reason to think there is anything actually harming either of you, it may be better to leave the situation as it is and to focus on building a positive home life and also looking after both of your material and spiritual well-being (religion, health, etc). 

In general, regular recitation of Qur'an, regular salat, and playing Qur'an in the background in the home can help to calm down unwanted bad effects and bolster people against the effects of black magic. Of course, praying to Allah for assistance is good.

Sometimes in life we make decisions we regret.

Also sorry to hear about the cheating. 

Infidelity and sorcery are signs that a marriage is not at its healthiest. If there are some other underlying difficulties in the marriage, unrelated to those two issues, maybe you could look into some kind of marriage therapy or counseling.

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

Yes

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answer updated 1 year ago

You never really know about people. Even in the time of the Prophet (S), there were hypocrites who pretended to be Muslim. Only Allah knows what is in the heart, and only Allah knows whether people will follow through with a lifetime commitment (such as converting to a religion - or, for that matter, having a lifelong marriage).

Many of the sahabah converted instantly. So if he converts tomorrow, he could be an Abu Dharr or a Salman al-Farsi. Or he could be... someone else. One way you can glean some idea of this is with respect to how he is with commitment in life, in general. Has he followed through on other commitments, or does he tend to jump around from thing to thing? This still doesn't give you a full picture but gives you some idea. 

Also, people sometimes change throughout life anyway - there is no guarantee that the person you marry will be the same person forever. 

So, you can never know for sure, but it is good to follow your intuition and good judgment and advice from people you trust and who have wisdom. If you are having doubts, possibly your intuition is picking up on signs that your rational mind is dismissing. 

You could wait some time after he has converted (say, a couple years) before committing to the marriage to see how he does with Islam. 

That said, it is not respectful to doubt that someone is sincere about his religious belief simply because he was not born into it (unless there are some signs that the person is insincere or not thinking straight), and respect is important for marriage. So this should also be sorted out before marriage. 

It is not uncommon for women to convert at the time of marriage to a Muslim man and often they remain in the faith and become strong Muslims. Of course, the social situation and experiences of men are somewhat different, but just putting that out there. 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answer updated 1 year ago

It is normal for there to be complex emotions in these situations. Even in narrations, it says that a woman's jealousy over her husband is due to her love for him. This is apart from other concerns, such as about the financial effect.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the reality of your emotions. In any situation, is healthier to work through things such as anger or resentment because negative emotions can eat at us, and we are the ones who will suffer. However, this takes time and there isn't an instant fix. 

Bringing another person into the picture (either in terms of a second wife, or illicitly) also changes the relationship between two spouses, and it takes time for the relationship to adjust and to find a new normal. Also, sometimes it changes our own sense of identity and the way we relate to the world, since marriage is heavily tied to identity, and so sometimes it takes time to develop a different sense of self if there is a change in marital life. 

There is a certain wisdom in accepting that we cannot control other people's decisions, and to accept that people in our lives will do things that we wish they didn't. Allah only takes us to account for our own actions and choices. 

Ethically, it is good to treat correctly the other woman in the same way one would treat correctly any other person, especially if she is a sister in faith. 

In societies which are not structured to support polygyny, such as many urban areas today, and where it is a burden for a man to be equally responsible to two separate households, second marriages often don't last anyway, especially if the second wife is getting the lesser end of the deal (for instance, supporting herself and her children financially while the first wife is a housewife). (This is especially the case when the first marriage has been established for a long time and is not ending, and there isn't a strong reason pushing the man to take an additional wife.)

When the Prophet (S) and Imam Ali (A) had multiple wives, they didn't have to commute 4 hours in bad traffic after a 10 hour work shift and pay insurance and mortgages or exorbitant rent for both families, etc. The culture also was set up in a way that acknowledged polygamy, whereas some modern cultures are not even favorable to having one wife and child-raising, let alone multiple wives. Of course, this varies tremendously from place to place. 

Sometimes second/third/fourth marriages do last, and I don't want to give you a false hope, but just putting this out there. Time shows the end result of all things. 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

Different people look at a thing and take different lessons from it.

However, one could glean from their marriage that when two people are sincere, mutually self-sacrificing, pool their wealth and talents, and committed to each other and a higher cause, they can accomplish anything!

I am sure there will be some other insights as well. 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

In addition to the answer previously given, another thing to consider is that although the Qur'an references certain events in the Prophet's time, it speaks in a universal manner that is accessible to any reader, regardless of their society or era. It is very difficult for a human author, especially one who is not from an area with diversity and a high level of education available, to do this.

Also, when you consider the way that the Qur'anic texts unfolds, the style of speech is not the same that a human would use when organising a book; for instance, the conception of time is more overarching, as it would be from the divine perspective. 

Some people also consider the presence of scientific or numerical miracles to be convincing evidence. 

Ultimately this is something one can also look at the text and get a sense of!

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answer updated 1 year ago

The Qur'an mentions "the heights" (a'raf) in the world of the hereafter:

"And between the two there shall be a veil, and on the heights there shall be men who know all by their marks, and they shall call out to the dwellers of the garden: Peace be on you; they shall not have yet entered it, though they hope. [...] And the dwellers of the heights shall call out to men whom they will recognize by their marks, saying: Of no avail were to you your amassing and your behaving haughtily: Are these they about whom you swore that Allah will not bestow mercy on them? Enter the garden; you shall have no fear, nor shall you grieve." (7:46, 48-49)

However, the Qur'an does not specify what "the heights" are or which men are on it. Therefore, scholars and commentators have advanced a number of viewpoints. Narrations also vary somewhat. 

In the Twelver Shi'i tradition, one of the most common views is that the men on the heights are the Prophet (S) and the Imams (A). Those who are in harmony with them many enter Paradise, but no one can enter Paradise if they are hostile to or rejected by them. 

Some commentators (Sunni and Shi'i) have also put forward the view that it is a  holding place for people who deserve neither paradise nor hell (for instance, they have equal good and bad deeds; they did not have religious responsibility due to dying young, mental illness, or never hearing the call to God), and whose judgment is delayed, so they await their final judgment there. This also appears in narrations. Some have also suggested they await the intercession of the Prophet and Imams there. 

Other views have also been advanced.

That said, the word a'raf carries the connotation of "knowing" (such as in the word 'arif used for a mystic), and it does lend the sense that the people on the a'raf might also be imbued with special knowledge and insight. The ayat also suggest they have a special form of knowledge, since they recognize people by their marks, even though many things will be made clear to all people in the hereafter. This supports the idea that the men on their heights are the Prophet and Imams; or, at least, people with a sharp spiritual knowledge.

Perhaps several of these views are correct. God knows best.

 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

Islam is not a fashion show. Many Muslims today focus on things that are not important, and judge and criticize people for minor things while the world is burning.

Our big problems are dictatorship, economic inequity, racism, classism, consumerism, materialism, shirk through worshipping the ego or false ideologies, poverty, warfare, social breakdown, and environmental degradation. What color clothing people are wearing is not the big problem. It is allowed to wear black clothing or white clothing or any other color clothing, and it is wrong to prohibit the things that Allah has allowed. There are enough haraam things.

Their criticism is based on a sense of dislike of the other (a sort of tribalism - those people are different from us and do things different from us, so they must be wrong), and if they don't criticize this, they will find something else to criticize. This attitude is one of the defects that some human beings have - people often fear or dislike people who are different than themselves and who seem "foreign". It is one of the things that Islam should ideally remove from people, but sometimes there is still progress to be made.

Besides, in places like Saudi Arabia, it is normal for women to wear black outside, and women are half the population, so it is really a strange criticism. 

And, many people say that green was the Prophet's (S) favorite color. This is somewhat beside the point, but just putting it out there. 

Also there is no requirement in Shi'ism to wear black, it is simply a custom that has developed in many places during certain time periods. But Shi'is are religiously allowed to wear any color they want.