Domestic violence (also named domestic abuse or family violence) is violence or other abuse in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. Domestic violence may be used as a synonym for intimate partner violence, which is committed by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, or between former spouses or partners. In the broadest sense, domestic violence can also involve violence against children, parents, or the elderly.
No matter how bad, abusive and insulting your father is, you must tolerate and behave well with him. He is not worse that a Kafir parent, and we read in Quran and Hadeeth to treat non Muslim parents nicely and talk to them nicely.
Never alter a word which can make him unhappy.
Be patient and tolerant whatever he says.
Your reward will be great iA.
Mistreating any of the parents is very dangerous and it is a major sin which leads the sinner to hellfire beside causing misery in his life in this world. Parents need to study the reasons of this misbehaviour and try their best to make their children understand what is right and what is wrong. One of the possible reasons can be bad friends or watching bad films etc.
It is really a big challenge for the parents and they need to take advice from specialists beside seeking help from Allah (SWT).
It is unacceptable for a mother-in-law to be verbally abusive to her daughter-in-law. Verbal abuse, jealousy and hatred to that extent can be part of a personality disorder. I can recommend researching in detail the characteristics of the malignant, narcissistic woman and mother. In insulting someone you love, she is also abusing you. Mothers with a narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to just being self-centred) are competitive in terms of who their child loves most.
How your children see you behave with your mother and wife will affect their own marriages down the line. Can you ask your mother not to verbally abuse your wife? If you feel you can't, that is revealing something about how your mother has trained you to relate to her, i.e. to remain passive and take the abuse; to not have enough self-worth to even politely ask her not to be verbally abusive.
Your duty is to love and protect your wife. You are the head of your household. You also have to protect the well being of your children. If they see their mother being abused their well being will be affected too.
According to Ayatollah Dastghayb-Shirazi, you are entitled to minimise or even cut ties with family members whose bad behaviour you can't reform, or whose bad behaviour gets worse by your presence, or whose bad behaviour you indirectly condone by co-operating with them. Being good to your parents does not mean condoning behaviour that could destroy your family.
Muslim female should go to female psychiatrist and get required therapy from females.
Talking about your previous sins is not good unless it is advised by the doctors as part of the treatment.
Parents are not allowed to do injustice against their children or any of them. Being abusive with people is not an Islamic way to behave. Yet, if the parents or any parent becomes abusive, the children are never allowed to yell at them under any circumstance. Allah says in Quran about treating your parents: And never tell them Uff (any word of annoying) and never raise your voice at them. (17:23).
There is no question of retaliation we deal with our parents, no matter how bad might be. Even Kafir (disbelieving) parents who insist on their children to become disbelievers, must be treated in nice way. Allah says in Quran (If your parents strive to make you a Mushrik (polytheist), don't obey them, and deal with them nicely and kindly)(Sura 31, verse 15).
It is a sinful act to beat any one, leave aside the wife who is your life partner who should get from you the best treatment. The Prophet (SAWA) said: Best of you are the best to their wives and I am the best to my wives.
Hadeeth states: I wonder from the man who beats his wife while he is more entitled to be beaten. (Biharul Anwaar, volume 103).
(Good believer never beats his wife) as the Hadeeth stated.
If a husband beats his wife and causes reddish ness on her body, he will responsible to a penalty called Diyah which increases with the degree of the beating.
That is apart from the punishment hereafter for beating.
'Real Muslim believes that his wife is a respected human being like him and will never beat her nor hurt her feelings.
We always advise the parents to avoid hitting their children because of the big harm of insult on the soul and mind of the child.Hitting any one including your children is not permissible if it leaves a mark. There is a penalty (Diyah) to be paid to the child if the mark is reddish, and more penalty if the mark is blueish.
Parents should look for other ways to deal with their children's disobedience which should be away from insulting or violence.
I think the initial response you would probably hear is be patient, he is probably under pressure, try not to take sides, and so on.
However, if such a man has no consideration for religious teachings or moral conduct, then the only solution is authority. Once upon a time elders would intervene, and such a husband/father would be deterred and feel ashamed, resulting in stopping such behaviour. Unfortunately, our communities do not have that level of respect anymore.
It starts with your mother, as she needs to have the courage and ability to leave him. She must know that by her staying in this relationship she is exposing her children to violence, trauma and irreversible damage. She probably comes from a mindset that no matter what, the husband/father can do anything, but this is extremely wrong and damaging.
By contacting the authorities, although your mother, or even some family members would be upset with you, but you are stopping and preventing harm upon your mother and your siblings.
The police, social workers, court, etc will be able to give something to him that you or your mother cannot, and that is help. He needs help, for anger management, maybe for mental stability. Maybe just a reminder that he cannot get away with this kind of oppressive behaviour, and so on.
You will certainly be doing the right thing and bring this to an end.
These are my views on domestic violence and living with someone who systematically and continuously abuses family members. Of course, you should try to consult with someone close to you, and reach out for help, and also pray for your father as well.
In shaa Allah other specialists in this forum will give suggestions and advice to you as well.
With prayers for your success.
This is a difficult question, and maybe even sensitive for some, because we know that Islam unequivocally condemns abuse or physical violence towards other innocent people.
We must always remember that many parents have not been given the correct method of upbringing, and many parents do not have the adequate skills to deal with parenting and the many pressures that it entails.
As Muslims, we are taught to always show the utmost level of respect to our parents and our elders. How they reciprocate that and what they do or have done is something else.
Allah ta'ala will judge them for what they have done.
We must stay loyal to our parents, pray for them, visit them, be compassionate to them, and never sever ties with them. We must also ask Allah ta'ala to grant us the patience we need to make sure our love for them stays in our heart, even thought they might have hurt us.
As long as you yourself know that you are not being insolent, or disobeying your parents, or not cutting ties. In regards to your inner feelings, there is nothing much that are able to do, because of the ongoing abuse, but it still does not allow you to disrespect your parents.
Honour your parents, avoid things that would agravate them, or upset them, in what you do or say, try to get them to understand your position, and how its affecting you, maybe by getting intervention from elders, and most importantly always do dua for them.
With prayers for your success.
The topic of domestic violence is always an upsetting topic for anyone to discuss, because of the detrimental damages it has on everyone involved in it. It is natural for someone to get angry, or sometimes even furious, but for them to take it further and incur injury on someone else, that is unaccepted. Look at how much our religion tells us about suppressing our anger, and learning tactics on how to cool ourselves down, and to never ever transgress the rights of others.
Also, this injury doesn't necessarily need to be physical, it could also be mental and emotional. At times the effects and damages of emotional abuse lasts longer than physical.
It makes it even worse when unfortunately we see some so-called "religious" people who's private life is completely different to their public life. In public, they are kind and friendly, but at home, in their private life, they are tyrannical, oppressive and violent.
Dhulm, or oppression is one of the worst of sins, and indeed there is a harsh punishment waiting for that person who treats others unfairly and wrongs them in any way.
As for you, the son/daughter, who is living in this situation. You really need to evaluate the situation and see to what extent is this happening, and how you are able to safeguard yourself. Have you tried to speak to relatives, or close family friends about this? Have you contacted a professional family counselor, preferably Muslim so they know your culture and how to deal with it. In serious cases, have you involved the police?
Your parents are clearly going through a crisis through their lovelessness, and they are dragging you along with them. It could be that their emotional instability and fracturing of their relationship is taking a toll on those around them, and that is unfair.
Pray for them, and whatever they do, still do dua for them, but dont let these things continue. This is an ibtilaa' Allah ta'ala has placed you in, so you need to stay strong to overcome it.
Of course, only you can evaluate the situation, and see how to deal with these circumstances, but one important thing is if this is a reoccurring scenario, then you must protect yourself, and somehow make it stop. Whatever you are doing, it never justifies abuse, and therefore always remember that you should never blame yourself as well.
I would strongly recommend you reaching out to someone in person, and seek intervention, and always stay strong, in shaa Allah.
With prayers for your success.
Islam does not allow injustice from any one on any one. Husband has no right to abuse his wife or deprive her from any of her rights as a wife. If the husband does not fear God and insists on doing wrong to his wife, she will then has the right to refer her case to the Islamic authority (Haakim al-Shariah who is the Marji' of Taqleed or his deputy) who orders the husband either to provide his wife with all her rights or to free her by divorce. If the husband refuses both options, Haakim al-Shariah then divorces her with out consent of her abusive husband and releases her from such harming husband.
Wife does not need to return her Mahr in such case.
There is a type of Talaq called Khul'a in which the wife does not like her husband and wants to be divorced from him and gives him an amount just to divorce her. That amount can be the Mahr or less or more. If the husband agrees to take that amount to divorce her, that Talaq is called Khul'a and it is a final Talaq with no return.
That person was a criminal who was entitled to be killed, that is why Prophet Musa who is infallible killed him.