Marriage Proposal

A marriage proposal is an event where one person in a relationship asks for the other's hand in marriage. If accepted, it marks the initiation of engagement, a mutual promise of later marriage. It often has a ritual quality.

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Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi, Sayyed Mohammad al-Musawi is originally from Iraq and heads up the World Ahlul Bayt Islamic League in London. Other than being involved in various humanitarian projects, he frequently responds to... Answered 2 months ago

Your marriage is invalid with out your full acceptance and agreeing. Your parents' Istekhara is for them to agree or not, but it does not bind you. You can go for Istekhara yourself or jointly with your parents if you are not clear and need guidance through an Istekhara.

You can pray for better proposal in your Du'a.

'Wassalam.

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Zaid Alsalami, Shaykh Dr Zaid Alsalami is an Iraqi born scholar, raised in Australia. He obtained a BA from Al-Mustafa University, Qom, and an MA from the Islamic College in London. He also obtained a PhD from... Answer updated 2 months ago

Bismihi ta'ala

In this kind of situation, it is always best to have correct healthy communication with parents, to see the grounds, requirements and expectations the parents have towards who they want their child to get married to. 

You might think the father's excuse is baseless, or unfair, but your assessment might be wrong. 

The father is the guardian (wali), and he must act according to the interest of the daughter, which means if someone who is religious and has akhlaq, and is compatible to her (kuf`), proposes, and she expresses interest and approves, and everything is good from every other aspect, it is haram for him to refuse.

In Islam, it is called 'adhl (عضل), and it means the male guardian prohibiting marriage of women under his custody. And it is haram. 

And Allah knows best

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Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi, Sayyed Mohammad al-Musawi is originally from Iraq and heads up the World Ahlul Bayt Islamic League in London. Other than being involved in various humanitarian projects, he frequently responds to... Answered 4 months ago

Istekhara is not obligatory in every situation. Istekhara is seeking guidance when you are unable to decide. If the matter was clear for you, then there is no need for Istekhara. Unnecessary Istekhara is not binding.

'Wassalam.

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Istekhara is not required for every marriage. It is only to seek guidance when you are not sure about the situation.

'Wassalam.

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Zaid Alsalami, Shaykh Dr Zaid Alsalami is an Iraqi born scholar, raised in Australia. He obtained a BA from Al-Mustafa University, Qom, and an MA from the Islamic College in London. He also obtained a PhD from... Answered 5 months ago

Bismihi ta'ala

This is not just an Arab mindset, or limited to any race or nationality. In general, people like to stay within their own culture and background, for many reasons. Shared heritage, preserving culture, easier compatibility, less differences, and so on. 

There are studies that say that inter-racial marriages are less stable. I might not necessarily agree with this, but it is definitely more difficult when marrying someone from a different culture, with many challenges.

What I am saying is if your parents are of the opinion that their children should marry within their culture, it does not mean that it is a bad thing. They have their certain understanding of things, and you as their child must respect and honour that. Indeed pleasing your parents and keeping them happy is by far greater than any choice one can make. 

Of course, these are discussions that should take place way before you fall in love with someone, and before you become emotionally attached to someone, because if it gets to that stage, you will not be interested in what your parents say, and this will create clash. 

Yes, a parent should be flexible, and try to accommodate, and it would be haram and oppressive if the parent refuses to be lenient and cooperate if the son/daughter is completely convinced that this suitor meets all the shar'i, moral and social requirements. 

I would say that there is a lot of effort to address these issues of marriage, but maybe not in the way modern society likes to hear. We have to try and keep our concept of marriage as traditionally Islamic as possible, and within the guidelines and guidance of parents and elders, as long as they are shar'i and sensible. 

With prayers for your success

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Zaid Alsalami, Shaykh Dr Zaid Alsalami is an Iraqi born scholar, raised in Australia. He obtained a BA from Al-Mustafa University, Qom, and an MA from the Islamic College in London. He also obtained a PhD from... Answered 8 months ago

Bismihi ta'ala

There is no "sin" in rejecting a marriage proposal, and there is no "sin" in marrying a non-Sayyid. 

You must marry someone who, along with having the fundamental qualities of being religious and good akhlaq, but also compatible with you as well, and whether he is a Sayyid or not is irrelevant. 

And Allah knows best

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Bismihi ta'ala

You and your family should not rely on istikharah for making the decision of marriage. Istikharah should not be the primary tool to be used for marriage selection. 

The age gap that you mentioned is not really a major issue, and could be overlooked, if there is compatibility and commonalities and attraction towards each other.

However, as you said there is no attraction, and you do not have that certainty in this marriage proposal, then I would recommend you not rush into this, and not allow your parents to pressure you. 

You have every right to decline this proposal as well, and if you are doing the right thing, you wont need to regret in the future.

For marriage, the important thing is him being religious, having good morals, good reputation, and there being compatibility between you and him. 

Sit with him, once or twice, or even three times, and ask the right questions, especially about future plans and what your ambitions and goals are, and how his views agree with you or not, and then make your decision. Not based on istikharah, but based on the information you have.

With prayers for your success.

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Zoheir Ali Esmail, Shaykh Zoheir Ali Esmail has a Bsc in Accounting and Finance from the LSE in London, and an MA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University. He studied Arabic at Damascus University and holds a PhD... Answered 1 year ago

Bismillah

Alaykum Salaam

Thank you for your question. If the new information is such that you are no longer confused about the decision you can make your decision based on that new information. If even with the new information you are still confused you can take out another istekhara.

May you always be successful 

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Seyed Ali Shobayri, Seyed Ali Shobayri is of mixed Iranian and Scottish descent who found the path of the Ahlul Bayt (a) by his own research. He holds a BA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University through the... Answered 1 year ago

Bismillah, 

Asalamu Alaykom, 

Either way is permissible as long as one doesn't do so in a non-Islamic way. One could for example message a sister directly and ask her to speak to her family. 
 

May Allah grant you success 

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Seyed Ali Shobayri, Seyed Ali Shobayri is of mixed Iranian and Scottish descent who found the path of the Ahlul Bayt (a) by his own research. He holds a BA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University through the... Answered 1 year ago

Bismillah, 

Yes, such a marriage can be accepted and one's past cannot be judged if they have done tawbah 

May Allah grant you success 

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answer updated 1 year ago

You never really know about people. Even in the time of the Prophet (S), there were hypocrites who pretended to be Muslim. Only Allah knows what is in the heart, and only Allah knows whether people will follow through with a lifetime commitment (such as converting to a religion - or, for that matter, having a lifelong marriage).

Many of the sahabah converted instantly. So if he converts tomorrow, he could be an Abu Dharr or a Salman al-Farsi. Or he could be... someone else. One way you can glean some idea of this is with respect to how he is with commitment in life, in general. Has he followed through on other commitments, or does he tend to jump around from thing to thing? This still doesn't give you a full picture but gives you some idea. 

Also, people sometimes change throughout life anyway - there is no guarantee that the person you marry will be the same person forever. 

So, you can never know for sure, but it is good to follow your intuition and good judgment and advice from people you trust and who have wisdom. If you are having doubts, possibly your intuition is picking up on signs that your rational mind is dismissing. 

You could wait some time after he has converted (say, a couple years) before committing to the marriage to see how he does with Islam. 

That said, it is not respectful to doubt that someone is sincere about his religious belief simply because he was not born into it (unless there are some signs that the person is insincere or not thinking straight), and respect is important for marriage. So this should also be sorted out before marriage. 

It is not uncommon for women to convert at the time of marriage to a Muslim man and often they remain in the faith and become strong Muslims. Of course, the social situation and experiences of men are somewhat different, but just putting that out there. 

Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi, Sayyed Mohammad al-Musawi is originally from Iraq and heads up the World Ahlul Bayt Islamic League in London. Other than being involved in various humanitarian projects, he frequently responds to... Answered 1 year ago

We always need to take lessons from realities of life and study the majority of similar cases before emotionally going ahead with marriage proposals based on promises. Lot of marriages have taken place based on a promise to become a Muslim but ended up with different situations few years after the marriage. Emotions before marriage usually don't last long after marriage. Usually married couples face some issues and misunderstandings between them which can decrease their emotions towards one other. Studying the results of thousands  of similar cases should make us more careful before deciding as such decision is for life. As many similar promises were not fulfilled properly by many, we need to be sure that person has really accepted Islam for the sake of Allah and decided to follow the True religion. His real practice is must and not his promise. After he really practiced Islam like a good Muslim, then you can assess whether he is willing to remain a Muslim for life or just for the sake of marriage.

In fact just promising to be a Muslim will not make permissible for him to marry a Muslim girl, unless he is already a Muslim.

You need to be sure about your future and the future of your children.

Wassalam.