Best Method To Know Your Future Spouse
It is never embarrassing to go for someone, for a Muslim brother or sister, my dear brothers and sisters, and ask them for marriage, even sisters. I know there is a stigma on the sisters. For the boy, it is okay for him to go and ask, do some research, get recommendations, or express interest in getting married, but unfortunately, there is a stigma on the sisters.
Sometimes, if a sister expresses her interest that she wants to get married. Immediately, what happens? Other sisters, especially married women, put her down. Oh, are you suggesting that you are desperate? Astagfiru Allah! What do you mean? Subhana Allah, you are the married woman, you were in her shoes just a few years ago, and you were waiting for someone, or you were waiting for the opportunity.
If a sister expresses her desire to get married and she thinks [she is] ready, it is a grave sin in the eyes of Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala, to judge her, to put her down, to discourage her, or to associate any sort of stigma with her. This is completely unacceptable. Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala says, it is one of My signs and one of the purest of God's creations.
Lady Khadijah 'alayha as-salam, she was the one who expressed her interest in Rasul Allah, salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi. If this was something to be looked down upon, something inappropriate in the eyes of God, the Prophet, salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi would told her Khadijah, this is inappropriate. I am a man of honour, and how dare you express your interest? I should express my interest. We have Rasul Allah, salla Allahu alayhi wa alihi here, as an example.
In fact, the Holy Qur'an has verses addressing the Prophet salla Allahu 'alayhi wa alihi telling him, Ya Rasul Allah, If a believing woman comes expressing her desire to get married, be welcoming, do not say no.' I condemn this. What do you mean? You are a lady, you are supposed to sit home until somebody knocks at your door. This is a flawed understanding and mentality, my dear brothers and sisters.
Therefore, if someone comes to you, especially our dear sisters, a sister comes to you and she is asking for advice, be encouraging, do your best, do not associate any stigma to that person. This is something unacceptable in the eyes of Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala.
So the second method is to go and ask the elders of the community, experienced people, active people, well connected people, to give you some recommendations. I know many people who had successful marriages through this way.
Now let us talk about the most important method our youth are experimenting today, my dear brothers and sisters, I will tell you today, our youth, what they are going through and why usually they get disappointed or they fall into a dangerous path.
When the youth finds some initial interest in one another, what normally happens? Normally, you see, for example, the guy has an interest in one of the girls, and they get to know each other very briefly. Then they exchange numbers then their intent is to get to know one another, to know each other's personality, and they start talking one week, two weeks, one month, three months, six months, one year.
I have known some brothers and sisters, they have been talking for two years, and they still have not made a decision whether they want to get married or not. Are you waiting for Jibra'il to come down and give you something? Two years, an entire year? And you know what ends up happening?
After two years of talking to each other, one or two of them are so emotionally attached to one another that when one of them decides, you know what, this is not going to work out. I changed my mind, my circumstances have changed. I want to leave this marriage or this commitment. Not the marriage, but the idea of getting married to one another and what happens to the other side? And usually it is the girl. She is broken, she is devastated. I have seen girls who are traumatized for years because of an experience like that. You do not need six months and a year, two years, my dear brothers and sisters, to really get to know someone.
Even if you are talking to that person for a long time, you are trying to understand their personality. First of all, do you think they will really show you their personality? The minute I know somebody is interested in me, I become a professional actor. That is the human being. You think they are going to show their true colors, they show their true selves, their true character? Do not be naive, you cannot discover the true character of a person when they know you are interested in them and you are talking to them to get to know them.
They will show you their good side, their rosy side. That is all you see. Because I have heard many brothers and sisters, after they get married, they kind of get shocked and they come and they say, Sayyid, my husband or my wife completely changed after marriage. They flipped 180 degrees. I say to the brother, habibi, calm down, your spouse did not change suddenly, after marriage, your spouse is the same spouse. The problem, you were in love, you were asleep. Now you smelled the coffee and you woke up. That is what happened.
Now you had the opportunity to see her real personality because after marriage, she stopped acting. She is now safe. She is married with you, there is no way right out of it. Really? So she showed you her true self. Yeah, but for one year I was talking to her. Yeah, and she was acting for one year, and you were acting, too.
And that is why the nice statement there is a nice statement that says love blinds you, but marriage is an eye opener. Once to get married, then, you know.
There was one poor son, he was asking his father. He had heard about these crazy arranged marriages, so he asked his father. He told him, Father, is it really true that in some parts of the world, the husband does not really know anything about his wife until after he gets married to her? He tells him, my dear son, that is not just in some parts of the world, it is everywhere. And it happened to me and your mom. I thought I knew your mom until after I married her. Then I discovered I did not know her.
We are actors when we know someone is interested in us. It is not the safest way to talk to that person for a few months in order to know whether they have the appropriate qualities that you are looking for, my dear brothers and sisters. The way for you to know who has the appropriate qualities is to research and not be too influenced by having feelings for one another.
Before you have feelings for one another, you think someone might be good, go and do the research. And the best place to do that research is friends. Reach out to their friends. If I am a selfish person, my friends know. Maybe sometimes even my parents do not know, believe me, because parents usually see their children positively. But my friends, they know if I am an angry person, if I am a God-fearing person, if I am a kindhearted person, if I am an easygoing person, my friends know these qualities. If you really want to know the character of this potential spouse, go to the friends.
Now, maybe some of you might find it awkward for you to directly go to their friends. Have someone else, let a friend go to their friends. Let your sister go and approach them and ask them. And ask them give us an evaluation of your friend. Does he have these qualities? Are there any concerns? Now, I know some of the friends will say, but I am not going to betray my friend if somebody asks me about him, I am not going to reveal their faults.
Islam says, when it comes to marriage, never mislead anyone. It is a big sin to mislead anyone because people are basing lifelong decisions on your testimony. So do not say, no, it was my friend, I had to say good things about him or say good things about her. No, this is unacceptable in the eyes of God. If someone comes and you know they are not fooling around, they are really serious, they have pure intentions, and they ask you, do not mislead them.
If you do not think your friend has those good qualities, be honest. Either tell them what the problem is or just say, you know what, I would rather not give my opinion, but do not mislead them. Misleading them is a grave sin in the eyes of Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala. And Islam is so sensitive about revealing the faults of others that it is a majour sin to reveal and expose others, except when someone is asking you for marriage advice. The hadith says, that is an exception.
Do not mislead someone, be honest with them. If there is really a major concern with your friend, do not tell them, yes, this would be a good opportunity and I approve of it, and my friend is really a great person, because then you will mislead them if that marriage fails. Allah will hold you responsible on the Day of Judgment.