Conflict In Marriage - Marital Conflict Resolution Skills

Once you involve your in-laws and family members, this ninety nine percent of the times does not help the situation.

Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Rahim. Oftentimes in our marital lives, problems do arise, and there are situations in which we disagree with one another. What do we do in such situations? If an issue arises in our marriages and the husband and the wife are not agreeing, what is the best, best path to take in order to reconcile and arrive at a resolution?

Number one. When you examine most of the marital problems and the differences, you realize that oftentimes when an issue arises in marriage and the husband has his own views and the wife has their own views, they make the problem personal and they make personal attacks against each other. Never, never, ever, make personal attacks against your wife, against your husband. Yes. You've disagreed over a matter. Don't question the personality of your spouse, because once you put your spouse on the spot and you attack their character and their personality, you have distracted yourself from the real issue at play and you simply exacerbate the situation. You make things worse. You want to help the situation,

Never make personal attacks, never sound your argument in a way that sounds personal. Deal with the case, sit with your spouse, examine the case, don't involve anything else, because oftentimes that's what happens. When we get emotional, and we feel passionate about something, we begin to attack the other person. And once you begin to attack the personality of your spouse, you will start to destroy your marriage and you will distance yourself from solving the situation. So this is number one.

Number two. Never generalize. We always have a tendency to generalize. A problem comes up in our marriages, sometimes our spouse makes a mistake, we are not infallible, we all make mistakes. We begin to generalize. From one small incident - it could be an important incident sometimes - we start drawing major conclusions. And then we start attacking our spouse. And you make generalizations, and it is these generalizations that also distract us from the main problem. So never generalize.

Treat every case on an individual basis, don't try to draw conclusions from them and think that your spouse is not a good person, your spouse doesn't love you, your spouse is influenced by other people against you, your spouse is this.... Don't make such generalizations" stick to the case and try to work it out.

Number three. And I firmly and confidently see this: whenever there's a problem in your marriage, please, and I beg you, never involve your in-laws. Because I tell you from experience of so many of our youth these days, once you involve your in-laws and family members, this ninety nine percent of the times does not help the situation. This exacerbates the problem. It creates greater animosity, and if there was a chance that you could resolve the situation once your in-laws are involved, there is no chance, yes, seek the experience of your in-laws. I'm not saying that when there is a problem, that's it. Don't consult your in-laws or seek the wisdom. Obviously, your mother has a lot more wisdom than your father has more wisdom than you.

Generally speaking, your relatives who are older than you, they have been through much throughout their lives. They have got a lot of experience in directly ask them. Indirectly ask them, you know, in certain situations where two people are not getting along, what kind of advice do you have to seek their advice, but don't involve them into the small little details of your marital problems. This this is not helpful and I'm confident in saying this, and I've seen so many marriages break up because of the involvement of the in-laws. Do not involve your in-laws as much as you can try to work the problem with your spouse and oftentimes you can reach a solution.

Number four, never give up. Oftentimes, we lose patience. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala is testing us in this life. And sometimes God is testing you with your spouse to see how patient you are. And we have many examples of prophets and Imams who were tested, you know, with being patient towards their spouses.

This is a lesson that we learn from be patient, never give up, don't say, OK, it's been two months and we haven't solved the problem. That's it. It's never going to be solved. Don't ever say that as long as you're sincere and you're really trying hard, and demonstrate to your spouse that you really care about this, but in a gentle way, in a loving way, if your spouse sees that for several months, you really care about this thing, this situation, this issue, whatever it is, and you're really sincere about it, you're not creating commotion and involving in-laws. You're not making personal attacks, you're not generalizing,you're just sticking to the case, Allah Subhana wa Ta'ala will soften the hearts of your spouse.

This is the natural course that we see in our lives. So don't ever give up. Keep trying and trying to use the best means possible. Using your great Akhlaq, show your spouse how much you love your spouse. In fact, increase the demonstration of your love for your spouse and that will hopefully soften the heart of your spouse.

Wa assalamu alaykum wa Rahmatullahi. Wa barakatuh.