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Chapter 5: Where Is My Doctor?

The last thing I remember is answering a call at my desk and the next thing I remember is being pushed by nurses frantically shouting, emergency!! Emergency!! A male nurse running along with me trying to make notes. I don’t know if I was dreaming or was it real, however, the images would constantly go blur and I would lose track of things around me. I guess I was fainting.

It sounded more like an early morning alarm; however, it had a different tone, more like a beep! beep! On the other hand, I felt quite tired. So tired that I couldn’t open my eyes. Quite odd because I generally wake up all energetic. However, today was different, the alarm just kept ringing, I tried to reach out to it, to turn it off. But for some reason I felt my hands were ten times heavier than normal, I just could not move them. The beeps just kept blaring in my ears, I could not take them anymore. I focused all my energy on my eyelids and finally managed to open them, only to realize that am not in a dream, but in a reality. A reality that I was scared to accept, or witness or be part of.

I was lying on a bed in a hospital. It was surprising that the number of equipments connected to me were more than the tech gadgets I had on my office desk. I had a pulse oximeter, oxygen supply, suction machine, and what not attached to me. Each one had its own beeping sound. Every now and then a nurse would hurriedly walk-in take the reading and rush out.

Am I quarantined?

Am I…?

Before I could finish my next thought a bunch of people walked in, they seemed quite worried, I could barely make out what they were talking. I just heard some partial words “How long?” … “Not much time” … “Call him again” … everything went into a spiral again, blurring away into oblivion, I guess I was fainting again.

It felt like an elephant thumping on my chest. When I opened my eyes, I saw the male nurse pressing my ribs, I am sure he is not trying to break them, however, I had never experienced such sharp pain. I could hear partial words and the rest of the sentence would fade away “Heart arrest…”, “Slipping into coma…”, “Hang on…”, “Don't give up…”, “Don't give up on us…”, “Stay…”, “Stay…” … And then everything zoomed out, seemed more like a Charlie Chaplin movie. People moving, running around, shouting but no words, no dialogs only worried facial expressions. Why does everything keep fading…

I could not finish my previous sentence, I guess I fainted again. Things did not seem positive. It seemed like I was there for a whole day. Finally, I managed to speak a word and ask the nurse a question. I don't exactly remember what I asked, but I saw her making an action, asking me to stay calm and silent. Then she explained what is going on here.

I was in a rare state, for reasons unknown my organs have started failing, however, suddenly they start responding and fail again. The doctor who deals with such cases was attending another case in another hospital out of the city. He has been informed about me and he is on his way. However, it will take at least 60 minutes for him to reach here. While I do not have that much time. If the doctor does not get here soon, it is really difficult to keep me in the current state; either I slip into a coma, or I die.

I don’t know if she was being melodramatic or was it me but her last words echoed in my ear, and I looked at the clock it was 10:15 am. I have sixty minutes or less and I need my doctor now.

Well, Blessing or not, but I kept slipping into blur visions and fainting. This helped me lose track of time. And I hoped that the time would quickly pass and the next time I open my eyes, I guess it was the fifth time, I would have my doctor looking at me and comforting me that everything is going to be alright.

But I guess I was not so lucky, I looked at the watch and in the last 30 minutes, it has just moved seven minutes or should I put it this way that every minute seemed like an hour. The time just would not pass. I looked at the watch and after some time I look at it again and it has moved only 30 seconds. What happened to the time, am I into another dimension where the time operates differently or that I am so desperately waiting for my doctor that I am actually looking at the watch every 10-15 seconds.

It's already more than 30 minutes now and 30 minutes to go. I have never felt so rushed in my life before, I just couldn’t take my eyes off the clock. Every minute mattered, rather every second mattered. I was unconsciously counting every single second on the clock, every tick the hand would move mattered.

20 minutes to go…!!!

I think I am going to die waiting for him, the wait is more painful than the actual diseases, I am on oxygen supply, however with every second that passes, I feel I am short on breath, I feel heavy in my heart, there were not just hundreds but millions of butterflies in my stomach. Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die? That's the question that kept ringing in my head. Oh God please don’t let me die. Please don’t let me die.

I guess my worrying up was worsening my state, the nurse jabbed a syringe right into my heart and squeezed in the yellow liquid, maybe adrenalin… I do not know… but I guess it's going to give me some more time.

10 minutes left on the clock.

My hands and feet were growing colder, I knew this is the end if he could not make it in the last 50 minutes, its a very lean chance that he would make it in the next ten. Tears started rolling from my eyes. I had never imagined that this is how I would end. I had never imagined that my life would so desperately depend on one person. I had never imagined that I would so desperately wait for one person.

5 minutes to go.

My eyes were stuck to the clock, totally zoomed into the second's hand. I could see it move slowly like a millennium would pass between each second. The only thought that echoed in my head was “Where is my Doctor?”, “Where is my Doctor?”.

Beeeeeeppppppppppppppp.. .. .. .. .. everything went blank….

This is a tragedy of an unknown man, who knew that he was sick and knew that only one man can save him. However, he died desperately waiting for that one man. Imagine if my soul was as sick as this man’s body. Would I have waited for my doctor this desperately? What If I am told that my doctor would come at an unknown time? Imagine my predicament.

This could be the tragedy of an unknown man; however, this is also the reality of every single Muslim of this ummah. We are so focused on our body that we have neglected our souls, plunging it into a state of oblivion.

If the body falls sick, so does the soul. If the body needs the doctor, so does the soul. Because we do not perceive the pain of our soul, we tend to ignore it, and not pay any attention to it. Until it dwells to the lowest of low. Such That it is no more humanistic, but more of a cattle, rather worse than cattle.

The Holy Qur’an says:

وَلَقَدْ ذَرَأْنَا لِجَهَنَّمَ كَثِيرًا مِنَ الْجِنِّ وَالْإِنْسِ ۖ لَهُمْ قُلُوبٌ لَا يَفْقَهُونَ بِهَا وَلَهُمْ أَعْيُنٌ لَا يُبْصِرُونَ بِهَا وَلَهُمْ آذَانٌ لَا يَسْمَعُونَ بِهَا ۚ أُولَٰئِكَ كَالْأَنْعَامِ بَلْ هُمْ أَضَلُّ ۚ أُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الْغَافِلُونَ

Certainly, We have winnowed out for hell many of the jinn and humans: they have hearts with which they do not understand, they have eyes with which they do not see, they have ears with which they do not hear. They are like cattle; indeed, they are more astray. It is they who are the heedless. (7:179).

If we do not attend to our soul its condition would be like the man in the hospital, multiple organ failure, multiple sense failures, it has a heart, but will not understand or comprehend the truth, has eyes but will not see the truth, has ears but will not hear the truth, it would be like cattle which lacks absolute commonsense. Rather more astray than that.

Hence there is little doubt that we need a doctor for our soul, and without this doctor, we would lose the track of straight path (الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ) and go astray.

What are the sickness’ of the soul, conceit, pride, arrogance, show off, misery, lavishness, extravagance, jealousy, hatred, revenge, etc… (InshaAllah will deal with these topics in a later book).

Who is our Doctor?

Our doctor is our Holy Prophet (S) and His Ahl al-Bayt (‘a). They are the doctors of our soul; they are the ones who cure the diseases of our hearts and souls. That is why they are called ‘طبیب قلوبنا’, doctors of our heart, doctors of our soul.

When the Holy Prophet (S) proclaimed his prophethood, the Arab world was plunged into the darkness of ignorance, polytheism, and sins. It was Him who purified them, purified their hearts and souls, and elevated their positions from the lowest of the low to an honorable nation, an honorable existence. And when he left, he assigned this post to the Ahl al-Bayt (‘a), “I leave behind two weighty things, The book of Allah and my progeny the Ahl al-Bayt (‘a), never let go any of them, else you will go astray”.

I know my soul is sick, it is suffering from multiple diseases, I urgently need to provide medical assistance and support to it. However, irrespective of all the equipment I plug-in, there is still a very important aspect missing, that is my doctor.

Where is my Doctor?

Where is my Savior?

Where is the one who is going to cure my heart and soul?

Where is the Imam of my time?

We say we are waiting for Him (atfs). Some say, there is active waiting and there is passive waiting. If we are actively waiting for him (preparing grounds for him), then He(atfs) will come. Passive waiting however will only delay His (atfs) arrival. I would say even if we are passively awaiting Him (atfs), are we waiting for Him (atfs) like that dying man? Are we counting, not minutes, or seconds but the fractions of seconds? Are we waiting for Him (atfs) in a way that if he does not make it in time, our soul would die and we would have nothing on the day of judgment? We would be but empty-handed.

Where is my doctor?

Where is my doctor?

That is the question I should be asking every moment of my life. That is the question I should ask the moment I wake up, when I go to work, when I pay my taxes, when I go to the bank, when I eat, when I pray, and when I sleep.

The only concern that should bother my entire existence is “Where is my doctor?”