Many couples struggle to make a strong connection with their life partner and as a result end up in regular conflicts or at worse divorce, What are the few tips to a happy Marriage? Are you a good spouse? A quick checklist!
Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Rahim. So now that you are considering marriage, an important question is how can I prepare myself to be a good spouse, to be a good partner. What are some of the qualities that I can seek in order to make sure that I am fit to be a proper spouse?
Number one, make sure that as youth in our society, which is full of temptation, you protect your chastity. Whenever you do something, especially, you know, if you are going to school, you are going to college and then the door to temptation is wide open, realize that one day I will be a father, realize that one day you will be a mother. Act responsibly.
I know some of our youth will tell you that the religion of Islam has made exceptions for us, and the religion of Islam has allowed us to have relationships with the opposite gender in certain circumstances. That is true. In the religion of Islam there are, you know, valid ways in which one can have a relationship.
But what I want you to understand is that oftentimes many of these relationships, premarital relationships, they will contribute to the failure of your marriage.
Protect that chastity, protect that chastity that Allah has given you with a spouse whom you will share an entire lifetime. Because the problem is that we see amongst our youth these days, some of them get so addicted to premarital relationships such that once they get married, they never settle. After a year or two, they think about their old habits and then they go to pursue other relationships. And by doing so, they will ruin their marriages.
So to prepare yourself as a good spouse, protect your chastity as much as you can and avoid relationships as much as you can, and believe me, whatever you do before your marriage can come back to haunt you one day. Remember that one day I will be a mother. Act responsibly. Do not do something that will affect your future and will cause you a lifelong regret. This is one thing that we can keep in mind in order for us to become appropriate spouses, to prepare ourselves to become a good spouse.
Secondly, when you think about being a good spouse, you have to educate yourself about the opposite person. Our psychologies are different. The way in which a woman functions and operates is different than the way in which man, a man operates and functions. And this has been confirmed scientifically, the way in which we think, the way in which we interact with each other. Our psychology is very different.
Be aware of these differences, because most marriages fail, because the two spouses are not aware of these differences. When you know how your wife thinks, how her psychology works, then this will allow you to avoid many of the problems, because sometimes there is miscommunication in the marriage and we take things personally. And this causes our marriages to fail. But when you know how the psychology of your spouse works, how they interact, how they think, you will not take things personally.
And, you know, there are many examples here to share, but the point is that once you are aware of the psychological makeup of your spouse, how they function psychologically, this will allow you to avoid a lot of the problems that we see in marriages, and you do not take things personally. You understand that this is how my spouse functions and this is normal. This is how Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala created us. Allah has created us in diverse ways. The point of marriage is to marry someone who is different. No, not someone who is exactly similar like you. That would be boring. You want to marry someone who is diverse, who has good qualities, but different qualities. And these different qualities actually complement one another.
Another thing to consider when you are preparing yourself to be a good spouse: have piety. I tell you, piety, feeling Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala, obeying the laws of Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala will contribute to a very successful marriage. Because if you fear God and you obey the laws of Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala, chances are you will not oppress your spouse, you will respect your spouse. You will observe the limits and the boundaries of your spouse. Piety is the most important ingredient to a successful marriage. So before you get married, realize that marriage has a lot of challenges and the best way for me to prepare myself for those challenges is for me to achieve piety. Solidify that relationship with Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala.
Number four: In order for you to prepare yourself to be a good spouse, you have to train yourself to lower your expectations. Oftentimes when you examine a marriage that is failing between two spouses, you see that really there is no problem. Why are these spouses so against each other? They are not getting along with each other and they are considering divorce. Why? When you examine the marriage and you counsel them, you see there is no big issue. Yes, it could be minor issues here and there, but there is no major issue which warrants divorce or which warrants this situation between them.
You find that oftentimes the root cause of these problems between the husband and the wife is that each side has high expectations. When you raise your expectations from your spouse, problems begin to start, and that is why the Hadith tells us that one of the qualities of a true believer is one who does not have expectations. Do not expect too much from your spouse, realize that your spouse is a human being, give them a break.
I know some husbands, they have so high expectations from their spouses. They come back home, they want the house to shine, to illuminate from cleanliness, and they have three, four rambunctious kids, you know, always spoiling out. And you want that when you come back from your from your work, your spouse has the meal ready and everything has to be impeccable, the amount of salt in it, the amount of chili and spices and pepper in it. And it is well done, it's cooked, it's delicious, and every day there is a new dish. She can only repeat the dish once a month, you know, if she is lucky. Sometimes once a year, I know some spouses are like that.
Reduce your expectations, because when you have such expectations, then this will ruin the marriage. It is the same with the wife. You know, sometimes she sees, she witnesses how hard the husband is working. He is out 10 hours a day trying to make a living. And on top of that, she expects so much from him, she expects him to spend more on her, to spend 10 hours a day with her. Yes, it is good for spouses to spend time with each other. But listen, your husband is also busy. He has a career to take care of. He has a profession to secure. So you also lower your expectations. Once you train yourself to lower your expectations, that will definitely prepare you to be a good spouse. Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala will help you, because this is one of the qualities of the believers, Wassalam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.