Wedding Night Guidelines For Parents
But let us look at the etiquettes. And you see when you read Islamic teachings, you will come across terminology 'al-zafaf'. 'Zafaf', meaning the night when the husband goes to his wife. Meaning the night you send your son to his wife or you send the daughter to the house of her husband. So therefore, we are going to look at the etiquette that we need to uphold before we send our daughters to the house of their marriages.
One - there must be a small ceremony. I do not know, maybe that is what you call Mehndi, whatever, I do not know. But that one, I do not know where it come from, but maybe it is one of them. There must be a ceremony. This is based on the riwayah [tradition] of Ahl ul-Bayt.It is a small ceremony. Maybe that is the one you call the reception, fine. Where you call especially family members, according to Islam and close friends. When they come there, what are they coming to do? They must do 'tahlilat wa tahmidat' [glorification & praising Allah]- 'La ilaha illa Allah, Al-hamdu Li-Llah, Subhana Allah. That has to be chanted and to be recited during that gathering. When after that, there will be no gathering, but to send the girl back to the house of her husband. That will be the same night. That will be after two days. That could be after three days. But that gathering, there must be a lot of the praises of Allah. Subhanah wa Ta'ala.
But today, unfortunately, some of us, when we come to the mosque for marriage to be contracted, we become like angels. During our receptions, Harams [unlawful] take place. Haram take place unfortunately. Music, mixed gathering, without control. Haram. Haram. You have already destroyed the bridge you are building. When you gather for reception, where you preparing this boy and this girl for the next social life, there must be only praises of Allah.
Hence you find when Amir al-Mu'minin, our beloved Imam, got married to our beloved mom Bibi Fatimah, Rasul Allah invited all the daughters of Abdul Muttalib, and then the women of Ansar, and the women of Muhajirin and they all came together. What were they doing? They were only chanting the praises of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala. That was after the marriage was contracted.
Now after this. So try to avoid the haram, anything haram. This is your special day, make sure everything is done in accordance to the teachings of Islam.
Two - is the advises of the parents. Islam highly encouraged that. Father, Mom, sit with your daughter who is going somewhere. Father, Mom, sit with your son who is welcoming a wife. Give them your advice. But Islam give us a guiding principle on how to advise them. Today we do not follow this thing and that is why you find we struggle in our marriage. Divorce. Divorce. Divorce.
Some are in marriage, but they are like in Jahannam [Hell], because everyday fight. Everyday fight. There is no peace. They will experience peace maybe for a week, or a month, after that another problem. We need to follow the teachings of Allah and Ahl ul-Bayt to build a very strong community for the reappearance of the Awaited Savior.
Two-your advises like [people in audience]- Aga, sister Sukaina, ok Hajji Walji, okay, you must sit with your daughters and your sons. Khatau. That is the second. And after your advice, they are going to be taken home. Your advice must be something last then they have to be taken to where they belong to.
What are the general principles of the advice? Number one you have to advise them on 'Khushu'. Islam said the first advice you offer is 'Khushu'- 'Piety, love of Allah'. Look at your son and tell him look at your daughter and tell her you know how we raised you? We raised you a good Muslim, a good Shi'a, a good lover of Ahl ul-Bayt. I want to see more of that in this marriage.
Number two guiding principle, Islam says advise them on the question of 'Qana'ah'-'satisfaction.' Advise your daughter, be satisfied with the little that your husband comes with. Advise your son, be satisfied with how your wife tries her level best to show you the love. Do not demand a miracle from her. You also do not demand miracle from him.
And the third one, Islam says advise them on 'Husnu al-Ta'ah'- 'to be obedient to one another.' You have your own way on how you are going to advise. And then you advise.
The fourth one, Islam says tell her, abida you are going to that family, they are now your family. And tell your son also the girl you are marrying with, she is from a family that family are now your family. And tell her I do not want to hear anything bad about the family from you. And you also I do not want to hear anything bad. When there is a problem solve it between the two of you, I do not want to hear. This is how parents should advise.
Rasul Allah did that with Fatimah Al-Zahra. He sat down Amir al-Mu'minin, he is Ma'sum [infallible]- Mawla al-Kainat [Master of the worlds]. Fatimah, the mother of Ma'sumeen [infallibles] She is Kawthar [abundance] But upon all that, Rasul Allah sat with Fatimah before sending Fatimah to the house of Amir and advise Bibi Fatimah 'alayha as-salam.
Hence, when you look at 'Abdullah Ja'far al-Tayyar, we have so many advises. Ja'far al-Tayyar, when one of his daughters got married, he advised of three things.
The first advice he gave his daughter is 'iyyaki wa la girah'- Do not be too possessive and jealous. You know today this thing is killing us. Even there are some women who you stand with only your male friend. it becomes a shida [difficulty]: 'iyyaki wa la girah'. So now you father, this is the advise you have to advise her.
And number two advice Ja'far al-Tayyar gave his daughter, 'Oh my daughter, try as much as you can not to point to the wrongs of your husband. Some of them ignore it.' If you want to pick up every mistake, there will be no marriage.
These are your duties, our fathers and mothers! And I see hardly we do that. We hardly have time, and this is the most important aspect of the marriage, because your daughter is going to represent you in that house, and your son also is going to represent you in that family. So ensure that the good name of your family is protected and preserved.
And then the last one, Ja'far al-Tayyar advised his daughter is that, My daughter, always look presentable, look presentable.' Dress properly for your husband, dress properly for your wife. So number two is the advise.
Number three - Etiquette. The ladies have to send the girl to the house of their husband and this has to be close family. They should send her to the house and Islamically, the husband should be in the house before they come. So you are in the room and they are bringing her. And Islam says when they are taking her there, because they are ladies, they are in their car, they have to only chant the praises of Allah. Subhana Allah, wa al-hamdu li-Llah, wa la ilaha illa Allah, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar wa li Allah al-Hamd. Same thing happened to Fatimah 'alayha as-salam. Look at the House of Rasul Allah and the house of Bibi Fatimah but he got people like Umm Ayman, Asma', all of them escorted Fatimah al-Zahra.
But Islam says my sister, my mom, when you take the daughter to the house of her husband immediately leave the house. Immediately. That is why see when they took Fatimah, Rasul was there. Then Rasul asked all of them to go out and he asked Umm Ayma and Asma' just be at the door to usher everybody out. Then after that he left there Fatimah with Amira al-Mu'minin.