Chapter Three: The Merits of Timely a Marriage and Demerits of its Delay
In the first chapter, we described the overall merits, excellence and benefits of marriage, and now by the grace of Almighty Allah we will consider the merits of marriage at the beginning of youth and demerits and losses of its delay.
A timely marriage has many benefits, and a delayed marriage has many losses. Here, we will refer to some benefits of timely marriage:
'Marriage' is one of the strongest shields against the enemies of faith. During one's youth, on one side, the attractive forces of spirit and nature, purity and virtue become more active and invite man towards himself. On the other hand, the attractive forces of instinct and sexual lust and desire awaken and call man toward one another.
Each of these two attractive forces is essential and necessary and Allah has bestowed them on man by virtue of His wisdom and benevolence, for the sake of man's progress, maturity and completion. The invitation of each one of them must be answered positively, and the requirements of each must be fulfilled. If the attractive forces and desires of lust and sex are not properly, wisely and as Allah has set it, answered and controlled, they would rebel and overflow and attack the positive forces of nature and spiritualism and, as they have become bold and wild, they might well ruin and destroy the positive forces!
Marriage is one of the best defensive means for youth in this battle and struggle.
Alas, what large numbers of pure and chaste youth who did not have this defensive means had their faith, piety, and entire existence annihilated, having been defeated in this battlefield!
Masood was a chaste and religious young man. He was an example of purity, modesty, and deliberateness for youth during the phases of his primary and high school education.
I sometimes envied his goodness and faith, and said to myself. “Masood has nearly surpassed us all and reached his destination.” He was the pivot and axis of all the Islamic and training activities at school. And in his neighbourhood, he was the refuge spot and teacher of the children and young ones. He was a column -breaker on the fronts, in advancing against the enemy.
And he was a devotee, a worshiper at the spot of service.
He completed his high school education. I said to his family: “Find a spouse for Masood.” They said:
“Oh no! He is still a child. Let him complete his university education and find himself a job and provide a house and means of life. Then we will think about him.”
Masood entered university. I occasionally reminded his family that Masood needed a spouse and they repeated the same reply.
After some time lapsed, he started losing his “colours” gradually, and his appearance and dress changed. His eyes, which were innocent and never caught the prohibited things steadily and gradually became careless and he got involved in casting wanton glances.
And he continued on until:
ثم كان عاقبة الذين أساءوا السوءي أن كذبوا بآيات الله و كانوا بها يستهزئون.
“Then evil was the end of those who did evil, because they rejected the communication of Allah and used to mock them.”(30:10)
Now he has graduated from university, but he is no more the “Masood” that he once used to be; instead, he has turned into a wretched and sinister Masood who is the cause of his family and friend's shame.
Oh Allah, you know that these youth are the capital of Islam and Islamic revolution and the Islamic country of Iran. Be their helper and save them from sinking into the marshes of corruption, debauchery, indifference and disbelief.
Ja’far was one of Masood's friends. He was also a pure and pious young man. A girl who was his match became engaged to him during his secondary school education. He married and joined the university. He was a success both in his marital life and his studies. He ended the period of his university studies safely and reached the higher level of education. The higher he reached in his studies, the more complete became his faith, piety and morality. Right now, having received his master's degree, he is busy serving at an important, responsible post.
He has a prosperous life, and is the cause of the eminence and exaltation of his family, friends, and society. Ja’far and his family's economic status was lower than that of Masood and his family. (It must not be thought that Ja’far was of a rich family who could have him married and Masood's was a poor one, so they could not. Unfortunately, this devil of 'material thinking' and measuring everything with the yardstick of money has become quiet strong in our society!)
The spring of marriage is the duration of youth. During this span of time, man is overwhelmed by a peculiar kind of enthusiasm and cheerfulness. If this period is not made good of and utilized, then very soon the autumn of age approaches and the cheerfulness finishes up or is diminished and declines, and man can no longer completely and thoroughly enjoy and utilize the benefits of marriage.
It is the lively, young, and happy love, which contributes and grants enthusiasm and purity to life; while the dead, old and withered love does not possess any enthusiasm and purity to extend to life!
Look at the bud. How it talks to us about life and freshness and gives us the message of life, hope, and aspiration. But the old withered flower talks about depression, hopelessness, ailment, and death. Youth are like that bud, which must be used positively and benefited in this period before they are lost. And so they must erect their marital life upon a solid, strong and even foundation.
The Prophet (S) has a very worthy and valuable saying in this regard which is an argument and authority for all, leaving back no room for lame excuses and unnecessary questioning.
أيها الناس! إن جبرئيل أتاني عن اللطيف الخبير فقال: إن الأبكار بمنزلة
الثمر علي الشجر, إن أدرك ثمارها فلم تجتن أفسدته الشمس و نثرته
الرياح. و كذلك الأبكار إذا أدركن ما تدركن ما تدرك النساء فليس لهن دواء
الاالبعولة و إلا لم يؤمن عليهن الفساد لأنهن بشر
“Oh people! Gabriel descended down to me from The All-Kind, All-knowing Allah and said: 'Virgins are like the fruits of trees. When they become ripe (mature)
(and the season of their plucking arrives), if they do not get picked, the sun's heat made them sour and the winds of autumn make them scattered. So are virgin girls that when they reach puberty and attain that which women attain (i.e. menstruation) then there is no alternative for them except to be given husbands. And if they do not marry, there would be no security that they are not pushed towards corruption, because they are humans.” (Human beings are sexual instinct, which must definitely be satisfied by a spouse. Boys are also like that.”1
The Prophet (S) is the total of intellect and reason, proclamations, commands and decrees, which he declares are from Almighty Allah. No style, view and opinion can confront Allah's command. Any style, fashion, custom, habit, excuse and law which is opposite to Allah's law is invalid, null, void and worthless.
Those who, for whatever reason delay marriage until the end of youth definitely face loss and damage. If we minutely and thoroughly examine society, we shall meet many people who faced great loss due to delaying their marriage; although they themselves may not perceive what made them face all that loss.
Nasser was of the opinion that man must not marry till such time as he has his own personal house, car, and a lot of money. He would not lend ear even to recommendations and advice. He kept persistently following his belief and worked to procure a house, automobile and plenty of money.
Then he decided to marry, but unfortunately, it was late. He was thirty years old and his body, soul, and nerves had become ailing and lean as an effect of the severe pressure and strains of work, sexual deviation, loneliness, etc. His face was wrinkled and old and he had lost some of his hair. Briefly speaking, he was not the same Nasser that he was ten years before. All of his enthusiasm, vigour, cheerfulness, and purity of youth had gone, and depression and impatience had taken the place of those.
He started the search for a spouse. But no sound, perfect and cheerful girl was ready to marry him. One by one, he stepped down from the height of his standards and wishes about wife. He gave up all those ambitions and high aspirations, which he has with regard to a wife. Finally, following a lot of searching and headache, he discovered a spouse who was also like him.
Conventionally speaking, she was out of date. That girl too, on the pretexts of getting an education, learning skills and crafts and finding a spouse according to her own wrong standards and taste, had remained alone. The factors which had made Nasser unhealthy and emaciated had affected her also, resulting in spiritual and nervous ailments. She was also around thirty years.
This boy and girl, who can hardly be called boy and girl married unwillingly. The result is quiet clear. How could a couple which lack courage and spirit, lead a cheerful and creative life?
Right from the beginning, differences, frigidity and seeking excuses started taking shape. And now they have a hellish life! The battle of nerves, confrontations, and struggles creates a noisy scene. They have a number of children. Such poor children, on one hand, witness the lack of courage and vigour of their parents to train them and solve their problems, and on the other, they keep viewing the constant quarrel and confrontations of their parents. As a matter of fact, such children are pitiable.
Now the house, car and money can no more help to solve any problem. This is like a medicine after one's death!
There is hardly a factor like corruption and sexual deviation that cause so much damage to young ones. These corruptions and deviations blacken the lives of boys and girls, and incur suck damage and loss upon the youth, that leaves negative effects on them for the rest of their lives.
Sexual deviation - one of which is masturbation, destroys and spoils the charm, freshness, faith, potential, talents and the existence of a man. Those who are concerned and have contact with society and the youth understand the depth of this tragedy. And they know the extent of irreversible harm and damage that is incurred upon the structure of society, families and youth by the corruption, deviation, sexual contamination and illicit relationships of boys and girls.
The condition of girls who are pushed towards destruction on this course is pitiable, since they have a soft and elegant spirit. They may be involved in the chastisement of their conscience and the burden of sin and agony until the end of their lives.
One of the best and worthiest benefits of marriage is the safety of man from this dirt, corruption and deviation. When I used to read this hadith of Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s), I would be amazed:
من سعادة المرء أن لاتطمث ابنته بيته.
I used to tell myself: How is it possible that she gets married at such an age? But later on, the more I became informed and conversant with the problems of society and the deviations and corruption, the more I would appreciate and discover the wisdom of this hadith.
Of course, this hadith does not say that a girl must definitely marry at such and age. Rather, it emphasizes the swiftness and quickness of marriage, so that it is not delayed and the girl does not remain unmarried after reaching the stage of womanliness.
I do not want to produce the figures on corruption that exist in other societies and countries, particularly in western societies and countries, because the pen and tongue become shy in putting that forth. In addition, it is not advisable to mention all those corruption, which has blackened the face of humanity, in this book that is meant for the youth. Having said that, we must remain aware of our society and be sensitive towards its problems.
We must confess the bitter fact that: our society too has plenty of difficulties in the field of corruption of the youth. If parents do not know, they must know. If the official of the cultural affairs, teachers, principals, and chancellors of universities do not know, they must become aware (although principally they know it). The difficulty is a big one and all of us must take steps to rectify and reform these affairs.
Dear young brother and sister, do try hard to keep yourselves pure and clean in this sensitive period of age. Do not let the pearl of your modesty, excellence and purity go out of your hands free. The safety and security of this valuable and precious pearl is from the obligatory duties of religion and humanity. Even if your marriage is delayed, this “obligatory duty” stands valid.
Be sure that losing or blemishing this pearl would bring about repentance and regret. We have both seen many people who have been confront with regret, repentance, and the sense of loss, melancholy, grief and sorrow following the loss of their pearl or its staining; particularly girls. Because they possess more elegant senses and spirit, girls' modesty is relatively more than the boys. And the loss or staining of this pearl is more of a loss for them.
So relatively speaking, they fall into a state of more grief and shock after its loss. So far so that even after marriage and having children, they are shocked and pained by the sense of sin and the chastisement of their conscience, due to a letter written to an illegal friendship (of course, those who have completely lost their shame and modesty are not included in our discussion).
My brother and sister, do not you feel shame contaminating the pure pearl of your modesty and purity in these dirty marshes?
Oh fathers and mothers! Do you approve that your youth, who are the flowers of the life garden, are pushed into the sewer of corruption and dirt and become withered and destroyed? Are these children not the deposit of Allah with you? Why do you delay and put off their marriage on baseless and meaningless excuses? Why do you put yourselves in annihilation with your own hands?
Let us regain our senses a bit, and take the facts into consideration. The vulnerable, sexual strains and pressures of the youth cannot be fought. A way and solution must be found and the best solution is marriage with a suitable spouse at the natural marriage age.
If the sexual pressures and strains are not properly channeled through legal and correct ways, they bring into existence an abundant number of nervous and spiritual ailment and diseases, which damage those systems greatly.
These pressures, long with solitude, loneliness and homelessness and on the other hand, lack of a spouse and the pressure of instinct and spiritual agony and weakness of faith (may God forbid) drag one towards sexual deviation and going astray, and there by the difficulty is multiplies, just as we have pointed out in the pervious discussion that these deviations (particularly masturbation) incur heavy damage and shock to human life and the nerves.
From the psychological and psychiatric points of view, sexual deviation, not having a spouse and sexual strains are of the major causes of spiritual and moral or nervous problems. Marriage with a suitable spouse is the best and most effective method of remedy.
Here we present the verse of the Qur’an that says:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا …
“And one of His signs is that he created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them...”(30:21)
All the benefits described in this chapter and the topics, matters and beneficences described in the first chapter, as well as all the collective achievements, gains, values, worth and brilliant results which are discussed in the entire length of these discussions, are only accessible when marriage takes place with a suitable spouse, and the standards which are going to be put forth in the next chapters are observed.
Never neglect this point.
- 1. Wasail al-Shia, vol14, p 39. Tabreerul Waseela (Imam Khomeini) vol.2, chapter of Nikah (marriage).