Depression

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Zaid Alsalami, Shaykh Dr Zaid Alsalami is an Iraqi born scholar, raised in Australia. He obtained a BA from Al-Mustafa University, Qom, and an MA from the Islamic College in London. He also obtained a PhD from... Answered 1 month ago

Bismihi ta'ala

My dear brother, why do you have to think of this as a bad or negative thing. Yes, it is frustrating, but don't they say there are plenty more fish in the sea. 

You cannot force yourself onto someone. People have different circumstances, and various conditions and requirements. They could have expectations as wel. 

It's just that you might not be meeting these requirements or expectation. That's normal. Don't take that in the way and don't feel offended. You have God, and I am sure you have family and those around you who love and respect you. 

This happens to most of us. We do not need to look at it as "rejection". If you are following the correct method of our Islamic culture and how we go forward with marriage proposals, then you should have no worry at all. Just leave it for your parents, or elders to deal with. 

However, if you are taking it all upon yourself to directly contact these women, then you must expect negative answers as well, especially if she is a religious woman who will never over-ride the authority of her parents. 

You just need to adopt the correct Islamic method. 

Do not give up. Marriage is very important, but more important is sustaining that marriage and being succesful in your married life. So, do not rush, do not compromise. And beseech Allah ta'ala. Do dua to Almighty God to open the path for you, and grant you a noble, righteous and committed wife.

Do tawassul to Ahlul Bayt (a.s.), and be patient. 

With prayers for your success. 

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Zoheir Ali Esmail, Shaykh Zoheir Ali Esmail has a Bsc in Accounting and Finance from the LSE in London, and an MA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University. He studied Arabic at Damascus University and holds a PhD... Answered 6 months ago

Bismillah

Thank you for your question. In our scriptural sources women are not encouraged to have these feelings as they are considered a blameworthy type of ghirah (when you want something only for yourself). They are feelings that are not validated. Similar to the feelings of jealousy and depression when someone doesn't want anyone to do better than them, it is not upon people to not do better than that person, but upon the person to control and work on themselves.  As to the wisdom of allowing polygyny there is much wisdom, such that the feelings of the first wife in some cases is not enough of a reason to make it impermissible. Rather, the first wife has to control these tendencies and get used to the idea in the knowledge that this is something that God has allowed. At times, if polygyny is done with wisdom it can improve the situation of the first wife and the relationship between her and her husband. 

These feelings are also enhanced by expectations and cultures, which are again not factors that influence permissibility as it is upon Muslims and Muslim society to create expectations and cultures in line with what is permissible and impermissible.

May you always be successful 

99303

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is normal to re-evaluate how a marriage is going after 7 or 8 years and see if it is functioning well.

Life is (somewhat) about choices. If the marriage isn't working for you, Islamically speaking, the first step is to try to make it work (for instance, as mentioned, through communication or a marriage counselor, if he is willing). That said, it requires the interest and commitment of both people in a marriage for things to change.

If he isn't interested in changing, then you need to decide what you want for your own life and future, and whether to accept the situation as it is or to try to move on  (obviously, taking into account all factors, such as how the relationship is otherwise, financial matters, whether you have children and what you feel would be best for them, etc). While divorce is discouraged in Islam, and, statistically speaking, women tend to suffer more than men (financially and emotionally) after divorce, it is also not good to harm yourself or stunt your growth and potential if there is no greater good behind it.

This is ultimately a decision that you would have to make for yourself since no one is in your shoes and can fully understand your situation, especially if depression is a factor. 

I would suggest in any case - and I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries - that regardless of whether or not separation might be in the future, it is always healthy to have friends and associates who can be a safety net in a time of crisis. This is true both for yourself as an individual, but also for the family, as we never know what will happen - what if he were to suddenly be in a coma or something? If there is any way to make friendships, even online, it would be helpful not only psychologically but also on a practical level. 

(Indeed, in the current world situation, many of us are discovering the value of having a safety net.)

I would also point out as tactfully as possible that, oftentimes, when someone is extremely suspicious and untrusting, it is because they have things to hide, or else they have behaved questionably in the past. Otherwise, normal people are not usually extremely suspicious or untrusting. I am just putting that out there, and that may not at all be the case in your situation. It is just an observation about human psychology. 

Life sometimes doesn't have easy answers but prayer for guidance is also always a good start. 

Bismillah, 

Asalamu Alaykom, 

Trust is an important factor between spouses and without it, the relationship can become very damaged. Have you tried asking him why he doesn't trust you? If you haven't done anything for him to act this way then he could be overly paranoid based on his own insecurities.  Also he cannot unjustly control you such as preventing you from having believing female friends.

Try to be open with him and mention the damage this is doing. If you have already tried this or it doesn't work, try to get a trusted believer who can mediate or a trusted alim who is experienced in martial disputes to speak to you both or arrange a session. 

May Allah grant you success 

98592

I am sorry to hear about your difficulties (or the difficulties of the person you are asking on behalf of).

To add to the below response, I find that marriages tend to work out best when the husband and wife feel they can talk openly to each other about their lives without feeling they have to keep secrets. It can be difficult to build a deep relationship when there are big parts of one's life one feels that one can't discuss.

At the same time, real life being what it is, sometimes it doesn't work out to share some things and sometimes one person will use them against the other if they are not entirely of good character. I can also understand not wanting to open up about something personal or sensitive to the whole family and having them weigh in on it or talk about it with each other.

Anyway, there is no shame (or at least there should be no shame) in mental health conditions, just as, indeed, there is often no shame in the other things that people, often women, feel compelled to keep secret for social reasons. 

I do agree however that when a person finds out something later, oftentimes the reaction is worse because they feel deceived and that it is a betrayal of trust.

But you have to make whatever decision is best - perhaps consider doing istikhara about sharing it, if you are genuinely unsure?

Zoheir Ali Esmail, Shaykh Zoheir Ali Esmail has a Bsc in Accounting and Finance from the LSE in London, and an MA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University. He studied Arabic at Damascus University and holds a PhD... Answered 8 months ago

Bismillah

Thank you for your question. At the moment, Shii law does not consider mental health as an issue that would annul a marriage contract. However, considering the fact that marriage in the modern world is a major decision for both parties it would be wise to not hide such issues as they will inevitably come up during the course of a persons marriage at which stage your partner may feel hard done by. Especially if it is something you are not entirely over. With these situations it is helpful to put yourself in the other party's shoes and treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

May you always be successful.

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Amina Inloes, Amina Inloes is originally from the US and has a PhD in Islamic Studies from the University of Exeter on Shi'a hadith. She is the program leader for the MA Islamic Studies program at the... Answered 1 year ago

The short answer is, azadari is optional not required, so if you don't want to do it or don't want to be in a place where people are doing it, this is not *religiously* necessary (although, socially, in some places, this may be a challenge).

The longer answer is, bad thoughts and misgivings come from somewhere. Sometimes they arise for good reasons, such as seeing people do wrong or hypocritical things.

Sometimes they arise for bad reasons, such as listening to false ideas (such as some of the baseless criticisms of Shiism in some websites) or self-hatred/embarrassment about one's culture.

So, it doesn't hurt to look into what you are thinking and explore why you are thinking it, and whether it is something that is leading you towards truth and a more enlightened way of being, or not. 

Whether or not you choose to make azadari part of your life, it is good to be tolerant towards other people's practices (insofar as they are permissible) and to acknowledge and respect them even if you choose not to do them.

Otherwise if we become intolerant towards how other people live their religion simply because we disagree with them, we will not be any different from those people who go around attacking Shiis for being kuffar because Shiis pray on turbahs and that sort of thing. 

Also, regarding azadari, sometimes people become less enthusiastic about azadari as they get older. I guess this is because younger people have more energy and spirit and also things are newer to us when we are younger, then at some point we max out on what we are getting out of azadari, and wish to explore other things. This is of course not true for everyone (I can already imagine the emails of objection flooding my inbox!) but it is true for some people and for most things in life; that is, sometimes things work for us during some life phases and not others.

Religiously speaking, there are also plenty of other things you can focus on that are also meritorious, for instance, if, currently in your life, you feel like you get more out of focusing on reciting the Qur'an or doing charitable work or something else that has value. Of course it is still also meritorious to remember and express sadness for Ahl al-Bayt (A)!

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Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi, Sayyed Mohammad al-Musawi is originally from Iraq and heads up the World Ahlul Bayt Islamic League in London. Other than being involved in various humanitarian projects, he frequently responds to... Answered 1 year ago

The feeling of inner emptiness or meaningless can come from weakness of love or  attachment with Allah (SWT) and His most beloved servants, which is usually caused by less supplication and less spiritual practices like remembering Allah, night prayer (Tahajjud or Namaz Shab) and reciting Quran and Du'a with intention and thinking.

The cure of it is to remember the great reward for remembering Allah (SWT) and repeat it as many times as you can especially when are alone and during night and more specifically during Sojood. Repeating Salawaat enlighten the hear, and repeating Estighfaar cleans up the hear from the filth of sinful acts or thoughts.

Reciting Quran with a voice that you can easily hear is very useful.

Putting your hand on the head of an orphan and helping orphans and needy is very useful.

Seeking Du'a from your parents, doing more good to them and to your relatives is also very helpful in making your inner rich and make you feel satisfied and pleasant.

Wassalam.

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Sayyed Mohammad Al-Musawi, Sayyed Mohammad al-Musawi is originally from Iraq and heads up the World Ahlul Bayt Islamic League in London. Other than being involved in various humanitarian projects, he frequently responds to... Answered 1 year ago

Repeating Isteghfaar (Seeking forgiveness) is very helpful for every one especially those who feel guilty. 

Remembering Allah and taking His names and repeating it is very useful in treating  depression or anxiety or any psychological problem. Remembering Allah keeps the heart peaceful and prevents the causes of depression. More remembering Allah (SWT) brings more peace and comfort in the heart and mind.

Wassalam.

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Seyed Ali Shobayri, Seyed Ali Shobayri is of mixed Iranian and Scottish descent who found the path of the Ahlul Bayt (a) by his own research. He holds a BA in Islamic Studies from Middlesex University through the... Answered 1 year ago

Bismillah, 

Asalamu Alaykom,

Is it not the choice of a person to take their own life as this is something that is down to Allah The Exalted.  

If however the person was in such a mental state where they no longer had control over themselves or they had some type of mental illness in which they can no longer distinguish between their actions, then it’s possible that they won’t be accountable for such an action. 

May Allah grant you success

65451

First of all, we need to agree on the standards which rule our life and existence.

1. If you believe in Allah (SWT) then you should never think about killing or harming yourself no matter how much difficulties you feel that you have. You need to  listen to Allah (SWT) and see that He is The Most Merciful. No problem can be bigger than His Mercy. His Mercy has included every thing. In Quran, Allah says (And My Mercy has included every thing) (7:156).

If you do not believe in Allah (SWT), God Forbid, you can not deny believing in Reason and intellect. You should never think about killing or harming yourself because because it goes against reason and intellect.

The way out of suicidal thoughts is to remember Allah (SWT) and His countless bounties if you are believer in Allah (SWT) or to remember your intellect and reason to see that suicidal thoughts are completely wrong and will never bring any relief of termination to your problems.

We are not allowed to kill or harm an animal, so, how can you think about killing or harming yourself?

Keep on repeating (YA ARHAM ARRAHIMEEN) (O THE MOST MERCIFUL).

Wassalam.

Bismillah

Thank you for your question and for reaching out. From what the scholars have understood,  a person doesn't have the right to decide whether to continue living or not no matter how extreme the difficulty. For a Muslim there is only one way out of depression and that is to keep searching for a solution until something works. I know it may seem like the only solution is to end it and sometimes it may seem like an attractive option, but the guidance that all Islamic scholars will give to not take that way. In the modern world depression is more and more common, but at the same time there is a growing community of people that have found their way out of bleak depression, and others that have a relationship with depression, sometimes being ok and sometimes falling back into it. Seek out help from these communities and people who are going through the same kinds of things you are, and with Allah's help, maybe you will start to see things differently.

May you always be successful